Every time someone asks me if I am a Christian, I cringe.
I hate answering that question. For one, I never know why they ask. And it makes me ask myself, "Aren't my actions alone sufficient testament to what I believe?"
But it goes beyond that, I tell myself. I find the question "Are you a Christian?" to be a trick question. And as I have discovered in that past, it's a loaded question.
I was raised in a Methodist church... until I attempted suicide. Then I stopped going to church... not because I had lost my faith, but more because I didn't want to deal with the people in the church. You see, I had just had my first major God encounter, and even though I didn't understand it, I knew the people in the church would understand it even less, and if I had tried to rely on them for help, I know I would have found a way to finish my suicide attempt, and I would not be here writing this now.
God is a touchy subject, not just for me, but for a lot of people, and that is why I am hesitant to even write this, but I am giving in to that inner urge to express something that has been on my heart, so please bear with me.
I will admit that I have had a 'born again' experience. That is, I have encountered God (and in reflection, I have encountered God many times and never knew it was God until after this 'born again' experience) and I 'have accepted Jesus into my heart', and believe it to be a very important aspect of my life.
However, that really doesn't mean a hill of beans, does it now?
That is, a lot of people claim to know God. Many people claim they 'have a relationship' with Jesus Christ because they 'accepted him into their heart as their Lord and Savior" and thus have been given the right to call themselves Christians and are now capable of sitting in judgment of <<SCREEECH!>>
Hold it right there. Back up a bit. Why do these "Christians" feel they have a right to sit in judgment?
I don't care if we're talking about drug addicts, single mothers, gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, or even questioning people, the poor, the oppressed, prison inmates, or any other kind of person. If you feel as a Christian you have the right to look down upon any of the above people at all, I have just one thing to say: Your 'accepting Jesus into your heart' is just a sham.
I know this, because I know God.
When God and I really met face-to-face that first time, it wasn't because I went looking for him. I had had enough of the God that was taught in that small Methodist church I went to as a child. By the time I was 16, I didn't want any more to do with that God. That God was so full of hate, so narrow-minded, abusive and temperamental. That God was NOT capable of "so loving the world".
When God came calling, it was a huge surprise to me, I was just doing my own thing. I was 38 years old, I had had experience in a Buddhist monastery and learned quite a lot of nifty things about other people, other cultures, other languages... I had experienced quite a few of the vicissitudes of life; I had re-created a whole new me while I lived in Japan, I had had some moderate successes, but since coming back to the U.S., I was struggling at finding a job that I really loved. I also knew I was no better than anyone else; I knew I was quite fortunate to have not had to go through a lot of stuff that others had to as part of their experience. And, I knew that God was out there lurking.
And one day God showed up. For real. No more lurking around, no more moving things out of sight (like he did when he hid the shotgun casings when I tried to commit suicide). And something amazing happened when I finally, really encountered God.
I can't explain how God works for everyone. I don't know. But in my case, the idea of Christ as the Good Shepherd is how I encountered God. And for the curious, I will explain what happened.
On that day, I felt compelled to buy myself a new Bible, for I had given the one I had owned to a friend in Japan. That evening, I began reading my new Bible starting with the book of Romans. And I had come to the part where Paul, the ultra-religious Jewish persecutor of Christians who later converted to Christianity, wrote "Who shall separate us from the love of God?..." and he proceeds to give a litany of evils -- trouble, hardship, famine, persecution, war, danger, nakedness, and so on-- but in the end, he says he is convinced that nothing-- no powers, no angels, no demons, nothing in all of creation -- can separate us from the love of God.
And when I read these words, I asked myself "Is this true?" because for years, I had struggled with my own sexuality. And I asked if it would be wrong to insert my sexuality into that list of troubles that were incapable of separating me from the love of God. The Apostle Paul was CONVINCED that nothing could separate me from the love of God "that is in Christ Jesus"...and when I asked again in my sexuality could separate me from God, I heard a resounding "NO!"
And I was transformed. I was transformed into a little lamb, wet and shivering. I was out in a wasteland and did not recognize my surroundings. I was alone, and cried out. And then I heard a voice calling out. I heard a voice calling my name. I turned to look, and there he was: the Shepherd. He called my name again, and I took off with a speed I never knew I had. And when I was just a short distance away from him, I thought of leaping into his arms, but I was so embarrassingly filthy, and he was spotless, and I hesitated... but only for a moment, because he opened his arms and beckoned me, and I jumped up and he caught me and held me in his arms...
He held me in his arms, and I knew that decades of built-up ignorance and false teachings were a thing of the past; I knew that, yes, indeed, I was loved, even though many tried to tell me otherwise. I knew there were no strings attached, that I had found someone who would never abandon me. And I knew that type of joy that cannot be expressed, for having been forgiven, for having been found.
That was my first real encounter with God. There have been many God encounters throughout my life, thankfully. I am so happy now to know that God wanted me to get to know him from the beginning. While I can't say that I was always happy in that knowledge, it is still well with my soul.
But I still cringe when people ask me if I am a Christian. This is mostly because I have encountered a lot of godless fakers who call themselves Christians and are adept at making themselves sound like Christians but in essence exhibit little or no Christ-like characteristics.
I know "Christians" who will say my relationship with Jesus "can't be real" because I am gay. And I say it is BECAUSE of Christ, and his love for me, that I am perfectly fine loving my husband. GOD said I am fine just the way I am, thank you very much. So I don't accept your condemnation.
I know "Christians" who will say I 'lean unto my own understanding' and therefore have let my fleshly desires control my thinking, and therefore cannot be Christian because I do not follow the Bible. And I say don't talk to me about not following the Bible. And stop using the Bible as a weapon, you Pharisees!
I know "Christians" who try to condemn me for not living per their 'moral code', which they claim to have derived from Biblical teachings. And I will say I stand behind what God has taught me and shown me on a one-to-one basis, and I will stick with that, thank you very much. I would rather have a current and active relationship with God, not try to limit my understanding of God to what I find in a text written thousands of years ago for a primitive people. I am modern, and God is timeless. Isn't it about time you let God out of the books?
And please, please do NOT use the phrase "hate the sin, love the sinner" around me. 'Christians' who try to show they are better than others use this all the time. It is really meaningless. You know what Christ did? He loved those he encountered, and didn't even recognize the sin. The moment you start talking about 'sinners' and 'sin' is the moment you begin judging. And isn't it funny that the various sins of the ones making that odd comment are never mentioned?
So, if you are curious, and want to know if I am a Christian... I think the answer is clear. But if it's not the answer that fits your view of Christianity, well, so be it. Fare thee well on your journey. But please, stop trying to put obstacles in mine. Because I am CONVINCED that NOTHING shall separate me from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus, especially you.
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