Are You God Experienced?

Every time someone asks me if I am a Christian, I cringe.

I hate answering that question.  For one, I never know why they ask.  And it makes me ask myself, "Aren't my actions alone sufficient testament to what I believe?"

But it goes beyond that, I tell myself.  I find the question "Are you a Christian?" to be a trick question. And as I have discovered in that past, it's a loaded question.

I was raised in a Methodist church... until I attempted suicide.  Then I stopped going to church... not because I had lost my faith, but more because I didn't want to deal with the people in the church. You see, I had just had my first major God encounter, and even though I didn't understand it, I knew the people in the church would understand it even less, and if I had tried to rely on them for help, I know I would have found a way to finish my suicide attempt, and I would not be here writing this now.


God is a touchy subject, not just for me, but for a lot of people, and that is why I am hesitant to even write this, but I am giving in to that inner urge to express something that has been on my heart, so please bear with me.

I will admit that I have had a 'born again' experience.  That is, I have encountered God (and in reflection, I have encountered God many times and never knew it was God until after this 'born again' experience) and I 'have accepted Jesus into my heart', and believe it to be a very important aspect of my life. 

However, that really doesn't mean a hill of beans, does it now?  

That is, a lot of people claim to know God.  Many people claim they 'have a relationship' with Jesus Christ because they 'accepted him into their heart as their Lord and Savior" and thus have been given the right to call themselves Christians and are now capable of sitting in judgment of <<SCREEECH!>>

Hold it right there.  Back up a bit.  Why do these "Christians" feel they have a right to sit in judgment? 

I don't care if we're talking about drug addicts, single mothers, gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, or even questioning people, the poor, the oppressed, prison inmates, or any other kind of person.  If you feel as a Christian you have the right to look down upon any of the above people at all, I have just one thing to say:  Your 'accepting Jesus into your heart' is just a sham.

I know this, because I know God.

When God and I really met face-to-face that first time, it wasn't because I went looking for him. I had had enough of the God that was taught in that small Methodist church I went to as a child.  By the time I was 16, I didn't want any more to do with that God. That God was so full of hate, so narrow-minded, abusive and temperamental.  That God was NOT capable of "so loving the world".

When God came calling, it was a huge surprise to me, I was just doing my own thing. I was 38 years old, I had had experience in a Buddhist monastery and learned quite a lot of nifty things about other people, other cultures, other languages... I had experienced quite a few of the vicissitudes of life; I had re-created a whole new me while I lived in Japan, I had had some moderate successes, but since coming back to the U.S., I was struggling at finding a job that I really loved.  I also knew I was no better than anyone else; I knew I was quite fortunate to have not had to go through a lot of stuff that others had to as part of their experience. And, I knew that God was out there lurking.

And one day God showed up.  For real.  No more lurking around, no more moving things out of sight (like he did when he hid the shotgun casings when I tried to commit suicide).  And something amazing happened when I finally, really encountered God.

I can't explain how God works for everyone.  I don't know.  But in my case, the idea of Christ as the Good Shepherd is how I encountered God. And for the curious, I will explain what happened.

On that day, I felt compelled to buy myself a new Bible, for I had given the one I had owned to a friend in Japan. That evening, I began reading my new Bible starting with the book of Romans.  And I had come to the part where Paul, the ultra-religious Jewish persecutor of Christians who later converted to Christianity, wrote "Who shall separate us from the love of God?..." and he proceeds to give a litany of evils -- trouble, hardship, famine, persecution, war, danger, nakedness, and so on-- but in the end, he says he is convinced that nothing-- no powers, no angels, no demons, nothing in all of creation -- can separate us from the love of God.

And when I read these words, I asked myself "Is this true?" because for years, I had struggled with my own sexuality.  And I asked if it would be wrong to insert my sexuality into that list of troubles that were incapable of separating me from the love of God.  The Apostle Paul was CONVINCED that nothing could separate me from the love of God "that is in Christ Jesus"...and when I asked again in my sexuality could separate me from God, I heard a resounding "NO!"

And I was transformed.  I was transformed into a little lamb, wet and shivering. I was out in a wasteland and did not recognize my surroundings.  I was alone, and cried out.  And then I heard a voice calling out.  I heard a voice calling my name.  I turned to look, and there he was: the Shepherd.  He called my name again, and I took off with a speed I never knew I had.  And when I was just a short distance away from him, I thought of leaping into his arms, but I was so embarrassingly filthy, and he was spotless, and I hesitated... but only for a moment, because he opened his arms and beckoned me, and I jumped up and he caught me and held me in his arms...

He held me in his arms, and I knew that decades of built-up ignorance and false teachings were a thing of the past; I knew that, yes, indeed, I was loved, even though many tried to tell me otherwise.  I knew there were no strings attached, that I had found someone who would never abandon me.  And I knew that type of joy that cannot be expressed, for having been forgiven, for having been found.

That was my first real encounter with God.  There have been many God encounters throughout my life, thankfully.  I am so happy now to know that God wanted me to get to know him from the beginning.  While I can't say that I was always happy in that knowledge, it is still well with my soul.

But I still cringe when people ask me if I am a Christian. This is mostly because I have encountered a lot of godless fakers who call themselves Christians and are adept at making themselves sound like Christians but in essence exhibit little or no Christ-like characteristics.

I know "Christians" who will say my relationship with Jesus "can't be real" because I am gay. And I say it is BECAUSE of Christ, and his love for me, that I am perfectly fine loving my husband.  GOD said I am fine just the way I am, thank you very much. So I don't accept your condemnation.

I know "Christians" who will say I 'lean unto my own understanding' and therefore have let my fleshly desires control my thinking, and therefore cannot be Christian because I do not follow the Bible.  And I say don't talk to me about not following the Bible.  And stop using the Bible as a weapon, you Pharisees!

I know "Christians" who try to condemn me for not living per their 'moral code', which they claim to have derived from Biblical teachings.  And I will say I stand behind what God has taught me and shown me on a one-to-one basis, and I will stick with that, thank you very much. I would rather have a current and active relationship with God, not try to limit my understanding of God to what I find in a text written thousands of years ago for a primitive people. I am modern, and God is timeless.  Isn't it about time you let God out of the books?

And please, please do NOT use the phrase "hate the sin, love the sinner" around me. 'Christians' who try to show they are better than others use this all the time.  It is really meaningless. You know what Christ did? He loved those he encountered, and didn't even recognize the sin.  The moment you start talking about 'sinners' and 'sin' is the moment you begin judging. And isn't it funny that the various sins of the ones making that odd comment are never mentioned? 

So, if you are curious, and want to know if I am a Christian... I think the answer is clear.  But if it's not the answer that fits your view of Christianity, well, so be it.  Fare thee well on your journey.  But please, stop trying to put obstacles in mine.  Because I am CONVINCED that NOTHING shall separate me from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus, especially you.

By the Time I Get to New York CIty...

I am gonna talk about love a bit here... because I am listening to Isaac Hayes perform his long version of "By the Time I Get to Phoenix", and there are so many things he touched upon that stirred up something within me.

I guess I am especially sensitive right now because I am preparing to leave where I have lived for five years for a new place, a new home, and a new life.  I know that there will be some sadness as I say farewell to the state of Ohio, where I have lived most of the past 12 years... but I must leave.  I have to leave, even if it means a whole lotta hurt.

That may not sound like a big deal, but you have to understand why this IS such a big deal for me.  In order for you to grasp the significance, I am going to peel back a layer of my heart and let you see something that has been hidden for a long time...

You see, it's about the power of love. And for a long, long time, I didn't know love.  I didn't know love and   I didn't know how to love.  I couldn't love anyone if I tried, because I couldn't love me.  

I dreamed about love for years and years, but never believed it would or could be mine. I was too ashamed to even try to express love, because ever since I was a young boy I had been taught that what I considered true love was wrong.  Not only was it wrong, it was unnatural, it was depraved and in a way it was evil.  I  naively believed what I was taught, and so I believed it would lead me to Hell.  I thought it would tear me apart from all of my loved ones forever and so...  well, I thought it was stupid to believe that I could try to love anyone.

So I didn't.  I stayed in the dark corners of the closet and kept to myself.  I pretended to know what it was like to love someone... but the truth was, I didn't love anyone, not even me. And for years, I was like the singer of the Foreigner song, "I Wanna Know What Love Is"... And for years, I cried myself to sleep.  And for years, those temptations to hurt myself, to end my misery lurked in every corner.  After my first suicide attempt, I had to force myself to stay away from guns. For many years I refused to learn how to drive a car because I was afraid I would use it to kill myself, and maybe inadvertently kill someone else in the process.  I had to stay away from the edges of bridges... I did many things to keep myself from taking my own life because I was too, too fragile to force back the depression and take the reins of my own life.

Until recently.  The past year or so has been a huge path leading me away from the old, and pulling me closer to my true destiny.  And it's because of love.

I feel like I am on the cusp of something big, and I am.  I mean, I have taken many great strides over the years.  For example, when I graduated from college, I left the U.S. and went abroad.  I spent a total of eight years abroad, and there, I was able to re-imagine myself, and get rid of a lot of the 'old Rolf' that kept me down.  I was able to create a new me, or at least let the positive side of me get some exposure to the light, and the result was that a much different, a much more confident person emerged.

About seven years after coming back from Japan, I had another experience that showed me the things I had been taught by church-going folk, including so-called friends and family, were all lies. I came to understand then that I had been deluded and deceived into thinking that I was some horrible person.  But I'm not.  I was just confused, but once the truth was clarified for me, I was able to tackle some internal issues from a brand new angle, and I was able to actually come out of the closet and start interacting with people on a regular basis. 

Then, about five years ago, a new stage of evolution began.  Even though I had been free to explore my new freedoms from a new vantage point, I really hadn't realized the potential.... until I met David.  We did not do a lot of things at first, but I do recall sitting in a restaurant, and later in my car, during our first encounter, just talking to David, and knowing that I really, really liked him, and we shared so many common interests, and if I ever had the chance I would gladly see him again someday....As the cliche goes, I guess you could say it was love at first sight.

Over the years, David has pulled me up out of the darkness of loneliness, and enticed me to try other things. I have experienced more with David in the past five years than I did in the previous fifteen, and I have grown a lot more mature even as I fell more and more in love with him.

And I realized that it was time to say good-bye... not to David, but to the old me, the one that cried himself to sleep because he was lonely, the one that moped about while putting on a happy face because he hated the questions from co-workers about his personal life, the one that looked at other couples and gave them a cold eye... You see, David is funny, cheerful, positive, outgoing, sensitive, caring, and honestly, quite loving.

In order to be with David, I realized I had to quit those things that kept me apart from him.  I had to make some hard decisions... I realize that I need to let go of quite a few things.  I realize that those things that once seemed to be so precious to me had actually become a hindrance... I realize now that the immaterial things I share with David-- time, laughter, love-- are far more precious with each passing day.

 And the truth is, love does make the world go 'round.  It can make you or break you, just like Isaac says.  It can make you say or do some crazy things.  And for love, I will say good-bye to Ohio and the people and things and places here... so I can say hello or good morning or hey or whatever to my love face-to-face each and every morning.  And I really don't believe I will miss Ohio all that much.

A Couple of Weird Dreams

On April 3rd I dreamed the following dreams.  They were so bizarre (and somewhat funny) I thought I would share.


Dream #1:  I found an old guitar and tuned it (note: I've never played a guitar, much less tuned one), and then started plucking on the strings... After getting it to 'sound good', I strummed it a few times, and ended up playing "Morning Has Broken" by Cat Stevens (or Yusuf Islam, take your pick). I was so adept at the guitar that I began playing it with my TOES and was able to produce the most fantastic sounds from it for a group of friends (and it actually included women, which is REALLY bizarre--LOL).  I was able to make the guitar sound like a piano, then a drum kit and then other percussion as well.  (I'm assuming that was all 'beginner's luck'.)  Then, to showcase my talent, I began performing a rousing, unnamed tune on the guitar (again, playing with my toes) while they carried me out to the car (because I couldn't walk, naturally) so we could go to a TV studio for a live performance.  == End of dream #1.  (Note: my big toe hurts! It's either because my toe-strumming has been out of practice or I stubbed it when they carried me in my chair. LOL)

Dream #2:  I took a new Japanese co-worker of mine to the University of Minnesota Minneapolis campus.  (For those of you not familiar with the Minneapolis campus, it is split into two by the Mississippi River, and there is a bridge with a covered walkway that connects the "West Bank" to the rest of it.)  We were at the 'beach' along the edge of the river (believe me, the Mississippi River does not have a 'beach' in Minneapolis that I'm aware of) and the water was flowing far more rapidly than I've ever seen it move (and in the opposite direction, I may add!!) but we were going to ford it so we could climb up an old rickety wood-rope contraption on the other side for some obscure purpose. (We saw others doing it, so we lemmings decided to give it a shot too??)  I made it all the way across (stepping on 'stones' that were conveniently just below the surface) but my Japanese co-worker did not and had to be fished out of the river) and I climbed up the ropes until I came to the Simon and Garfunkel poster high above the river and == end of dream #2.